Raw honesty: the harm I create

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve hurt people. I’ve created harm. And while it can be easy to dismiss it and say that most of it was unintentional, the impact of my actions is far more important.

I’ve acted superior and elitist. I’ve ignored my unearned privilege. I’ve done and said racist things. I’ve been ableist. I’ve been sexist, agist, homophobic, classist.

I’ve done this to lovers, friends, family members, and workshop groups.

I’ve done this to those around me who experience massive amounts of systemic oppression. And I’ve also hurt those who hold systemic power and privilege.

But mostly, I’ve reflected hurt, harm, and violence onto myself.

I know well the shame and guilt that come from perpetrating that hurt and harm.

Despite dedicating my life to examining power, harm, consent, and integrity, I know that I will continue to do things that hurt other people.

I know that even when I do my most to bring awareness to my own biases, traumas, projections, and privileges, I will not be able to see it all.

And yet, I want to keep going. I want to explore the hurt, harm, and messiness of myself and my relationships. I always want to do better for myself and my loved ones.

As much as my life and work are about an exploration and embodiment of fulfillment, peace, and pleasure, I know that I can only embody those ideals to the extent that I am also able to hold the painful parts of myself.

I have learned that my shame, guilt, and fear can be my greatest teachers if I can hold them and see them in a settled way. Or they can be my greatest destabilizers.

I know that on a path of pleasure, fulfillment, and peace, some of the most challenging pieces will be the unlearning & unraveling that is required of me.

And I want that challenge because I want to create less harm.

Sidebar: I also want to name the vulnerability in writing this as I’m still learning, unlearning, and growing. This is not an attempt to give myself or anyone with power, privilege, or rank a pass. This is simply my attempt at sharing how I want to do more in my relationships so that we can step closer to one another.

Unraveling is messy, and it requires compassion

For most of my life, I tried to project perfection. I did my best to look a certain way, perform well at work, say all the right things, etc.

So it came as quite a shock to learn that my highly refined skill of surface-level, dominant-culturally appropriate behavior did not serve me well when trying to go deeper in my relationships — with myself, lovers, groups, or partners.

The perfection I tried so hard to attain was the thing that was holding me back the most.

Fulfillment, joy, peace, and pleasure require the two things that perfection prohibits — vulnerability and curiosity.

At some point, I realized that I was going to have to unlearn almost everything that I had been taught about relationships, love, and pleasure.

I remember hoping that I could unlearn and unravel this programming in a way that was easy, safe, and unmessy — I quickly realized that I couldn’t.

And I slowly began to embrace the messiness that inevitably came with my unlearning. I shifted from a clinched-fist defensive posture to an open-armed welcoming and began to invite the messiness to be there.

And that required a massive amount of compassion — for others and most importantly for myself.

Without that compassion, it is amazing how fast I can spiral into guilt, shame, fear, and other painful emotions.

And I know when I am in those spirals of shame, guilt, and fear, it is impossible for me to see, feel, or know where to go, what I need to learn, and how I need to be held.

We get to be imperfect, and we get to step back when we are harmed

I know I am going to mess up. I know that despite my curiosity and work to bring awareness to my own racism, misogyny, ableism, classism, experience, spiritual practices, etc., I am going to say and do things that hurt and harm others.

I have fucked up so times and in so many relationships, retreats, and workshops. And despite wanting nothing more than to be the perfect facilitator, partner, and friend — I know I will never be that.

And it feels very important to name that this is not a pass. This is not me saying, “I’m not perfect therefore you have to deal with the hurt and harm I create.” To me, that type of reaction only serves to maintain and sustain the violence.

Instead, I want to be in relationships where we get to acknowledge hurt and harm, and then co-create a way to do it better. And that is not always easy — especially at the beginning.

I want relational spaces where we both get to be imperfect, messy, and full of compassion for one another.

I want relational spaces where we both get to stumble through vulnerability and asking for what we want.

I want relational spaces that are brave enough to hold us in our pain and in our pleasure.

I want relational spaces where responsibility, accountability, and love are centered — within oneself and within the group container.

And I want relational spaces where we get to have limits, where we get to step back when we are hurt or harmed. That’s part of it, too.

Compassion, love, and presence in 1-1 work

This is what I aim to create for you when we enter 1-1 spaces for this work. You get to stumble and fumble. You get to be imperfect. It’s going to be messy and I’m going to keep inviting the messiness.

I believe the messiness has to be there. I want it to be there because, to me, that means we’re unraveling something important.

But with the messiness, you’ll also experience deep compassion, love, and presence. I’ll be there to hold you and see you — especially when it is hard.

This is what I love most about the work I do. I love the growth, space, and joy that can come after we trudge through the messiness of all the shit we have been programmed to think, believe, and do.

I love creating spaces where we trust that the other person will be there and see us. I know how much those spaces have meant to me.

I didn’t have models for that in my life until I sought out my own sacred intimates to work with. And I want to create that space for you.

If you’re interested in exploring what this would look like for you, set up a call and let’s chat.

With love.