Sometimes we want to be closer and sometimes we want to be further away
In our relationships, we are constantly moving.
We move closer together, further apart, and sometimes we stay where we are at.
But so many of us have been taught that relationships must move in a linear fashion. We have been programmed to think that more time together equals more depth, safety, closeness, and intimacy.
But time doesn’t mean anything. Time itself doesn’t create safety, intimacy, or closeness. Intentionality does.
And when we bring intentionality to how we move closer together and further apart, a magical thing happens — we create a space for ourselves and our partners to blossom, grow, and thrive.
What would it be like to create agreements in relationships where you could step back from one other without
fear that the relationship is over,
guilt about moving away, or
shame that you’ve decided to prioritize someone else in your life (for the moment)?
Relationships and desires are not static. They are always moving.
And yet, so many of us find ourselves in relationships where we do not honor the movement of our own desires and limits.
Then we endure. And with enduring we find ourselves in resentment.
It’s okay to step back
So many of us are terrified of stepping back. We think…
What if I ask for more space and the other person rejects me and leaves?
Are they rejecting me if they ask for more space? Do they want to end the relationship?
But what if we created relationships where we assumed that stepping back would be part of the process and growth of the relationship?
What if we assumed that the relationship (and its love) would still be there even when we stepped back from one another.
It is so much easier to be in relationship with ourselves and others when we create the space to step backward without being triggered by our fears, guilts, and shames.
It is so much easier when we can name and acknowledge that we are going to love each from a different distance.
It’s okay to step forward
As hard as it can be to ask to step back, it can be equally as hard to ask to step forward. To say, I like you and would like more of your time, attention, body, energy.
It’s vulnerable and vulnerability is challenging if we haven’t created a space for that to be present in the relationship.
Instead, we get caught up thinking…
If I ask for more of their time and energy they will get scared and go away.
I am too much and need to slow down.
I need to wait until we have had a certain (completely arbitrary) amount of time or dates before I ask for more.
I want to be in relationships where I get to ask to step forward — trusting that even if you can’t give it to me right now, that you’ll still be there with love and presence.
We get to ask for closeness. We get to want more intimacy and connection.
Assume love will be there
As I’ve said many, many times — loving is easy, it’s the liking that’s hard.
Moving closer or further away from one another has nothing to do with the love we share. And it has everything to do what we want and like for OURSELVES in that moment.
Assume that love is there until they say it isn’t. Assume that you can be in relationship with one another at different distances and that your connection can hold you.
Far too many of us struggle as we try to figure out how to navigate these relationships with ease.
With so many interconnected layers, lived experiences, traumas, shadows, and desires — it is not surprising that we encounter challenges. (And this is also why we need to do our own inner work so we can understand ourselves and our responses with more ease.)
And yes, while challenge will always be in our relationships, I do believe that peace, ease, joy, and love can be the defining foundation of who we are and how we show up in these spaces.
Sometimes we want to be closer and sometimes we want to be further away. And that’s okay.
Sometimes we are in agreement with where we want to be and sometimes we are not in agreement. And that’s okay, too.
But if we can hold ourselves and each other with love and know that that love will be there when we are close and when we are further apart, I guarantee you will find an immense amount of peace and fulfillment.
