Are you getting what you deserve?
Are you getting what you deserve?
It’s a big question and one that comes up ALL THE TIME in work that explores pleasure, desire, sex, and fulfillment.
When you’ve been giving beyond your capacity and what you’re willing to give, the easiest place to go is victimization. And when you’re in a place of victimization, thoughts will inevitably turn toward how you’re not getting what you deserve.
Here’s a quiz to help you out.
Are you getting what you deserve quiz
Are you saying “no” to the people, spaces, relationships (including with yourself), and things that you’re no longer willing to give your time, energy, and body to?
Are you asking for what you truly want?
Answer key
If you answered NO to both questions: you are getting what you deserve.*
If you answered YES to both questions: you are getting what you deserve.*
If you answered YES and NO: you are getting what you deserve.*
*There are very real systemic and structural power dynamics (such as disability, race, age, gender, class, education, etc.) that impact our ability to navigate these two questions. This quiz assumes a limiting effect of these power dynamics. But, power dynamics are ALWAYS present and impact how we ask for what we want and say no to what we don’t want (i.e., it is hard, if not impossible, for the employee living pay check to pay check to say no to their boss). This is a huge part of my work with clients and groups. And for this post, we’ll assume all things are equal, understanding that they never are.
These questions are tougher than they look.
Most of us don’t want to admit when we are enduring relationships because that might lead to losing them — and that means grief!
Most of us don’t even realize when we are enduring or tolerating. We’ve been conditioned to push past our limits (American capitalism literally doesn’t work if we don’t) without question. We’re used to it, and when we are used to something, it is comfortable.
We haven’t been taught how to say no. We don’t have the skill set. We are conditioned to say yes to jobs, family, love, loved ones, etc. Saying no is almost always going to be one of the hardest things we re-learn.
We don’t know what we truly want. Because in order to know what we truly want, we must have experience being in our bodies and seeing our bodies. And yet, almost everything we interact with on a daily basis is designed to bring us out of our bodies and keep us disconnected.
We don’t have the skills to ask for what we want. We are expected to follow a pre-determined pattern that tells us what we want and should have. Deviating from that is challenging and no one teaches us how.
The universe doesn’t have your back! It doesn’t care about your back!
I get so annoyed with pop-spiritual sayings like “the universe has your back!”
Spoiler alert: the universe doesn’t have your back and doesn’t care about you. The universe is GREAT at manifesting your vibration. And if your vibration is not asking for what you want and not saying not to what you’re not willing to give, that’s what the universe is going to manifest for you.
When I am honest with myself, I find that I usually deserve exactly what I’m getting - even when (or especially when) I don’t like it.
When I look back at the times in my life when I was mired in thoughts of “deserving better,” it was usually a time when I wasn’t saying no and when I wasn’t asking for anything different.
And that’s not entirely my fault for the reasons above. We aren’t taught to say no. We aren’t taught to be aware of our bodies and what we truly want.
And, depending on the power and privilege we hold, we don’t always have a choice in where and how we can say no.
But sitting in the thoughts of “I deserve better” can feel completely disempowering if I don’t know a way out.
To create a way out of and into a life of feeling more pleasure and fulfillment, start by saying no. Then move onto asking for what you want. (Start with you no first so that you have space to receive the gifts you ask for later.)
And that’s not easy.
Which is why we practice. And practice. And practice.
And this is why I do the work that I do. If you’re interested in exploring how it might impact your life, your desires, and your relationships read more here and set up a consultation for us to talk.
