Sexual desires, erotic fantasies, and shameful judgment

➕ Have you ever not asked for what you wanted because you were afraid they wouldn’t like it?

➕ Have you ever worried that they might reject you as a person if you named your sexual desires and fantasies?

➕ Have you ever stopped yourself from stepping into your fantasies because you’ve been taught to believe that they were wrong?

This is pretty common with sex, sexual desires, and erotic fantasies. We have been inundated with negative messages about bodies, sex, and pleasure.

Of course we’re afraid to ask!

Of course we are confused if our desires are shameful and within integrity!

In a society that was founded and rooted in purity culture, we have been taught that almost every sexual desire (outside of missionary sex between cis-het married couples) is wrong.

shame, judgment, integrity

On a path of pleasure, part of the work is knowing what we want. This step can be challenging if we’ve never been in relationships (as children or adults) that never had space for imagination, asking, or openness.

But once we know how to create relationships where desires can be named, we have to be able to navigate all the resistance and challenge that inevitably show up.

We have to be able to stay settled in our bodies and desires when our minds step in and begin to question the plausibility, likelihood, shame, and integrity of the desire.

Shame can show up so fast. It might look like…

→ “They’ll (or I’ll) think I’m too kinky/a bad person/dirty/too much.”

→ “That desire is wrong and I shouldn’t even think it.”

→ “People who do that are _____.”

→ “That will hurt them and so I shouldn’t ask.”

→ “That’s something I don’t like so I’m sure they won’t like it either. It would be bad of me to ask.”

And when thoughts like these show up, we too often shut down our desires and fantasies. We don’t even allow ourselves the space to ask if any of them are true.

Shame can get us to immediately assume and believe a self-created truth that is not real.

For me, one of the most efficient ways to move through thoughts of shame is to get clear on my own integrity (and it is very important to note that my version of integrity may or MAY NOT align with the government, church, law, schools, or business).

🔥 Does my partner feel safe enough to say yes, no, and maybe? (This takes a deep awareness of the dynamics in the relationships that include, age, money, race, ability to be settled and embodied, sexual experience, etc.)*

🔥 Are we very clear on who the request is for, who is giving, and who is receiving? (This takes more work than most people realize because our instinct is to say, “it’s for both of us.” Break it down and understand who the request is for and note that this is wholly separate from dom/sub, top/bottom, or any other role.)*

*Both of these questions require deep introspection and curiosity. And the answers are never fixed, they are mutable and changing, and therefore an ongoing inquiry.

If my partner and I are both practiced and settled in our ability to say yes, no, and maybe, it gets a lot easier to ask for what I want. I can trust them.

And if we are super clear on who it’s for then we both get to relax, settle, and be in our bodies. We don’t have to spend time wondering if we should switch it up because we will have already discussed that.

We get to ask for our desires and fantasies

We get to ask for what we want. We get to name our fantasies and desires.

We get to be in relationships where all of this is possible without fear of shameful judgment (from our partners and ourselves).

Most of us grew up in relational spaces that didn’t know how to hold these possibilities.

Paraphrasing Cyndi Darnell from a recent podcast interview… That’s okay. It’s not our fault. But it is our responsibility to do something different.

It is our responsibility to do our own work so that we can create relationships that feel safe enough to ask for our desires and fantasies. It is our responsibility to do deeper work around integrity.

If we can understand that better, shameful judgment has less space to show up. And when that happens, we have a lot more space to ask for what we want.

Then we get to create more and more of our sexual desires.

We get to embody our erotic fantasies and feel them come to life.