They Are Not Going to Change

When I moved to NYC, my main criteria for choosing an apartment was its proximity to The Met, the Guggenheim, and the Frick. I wanted to be within walking distance so I could go as often as I wanted.

Museums are my church and I go almost every week.

the met_greek_roman_sculptures

One of the things that constantly amazes me is that no matter how often I go or how many times I circle a room, things appear differently each time.

The distance at which I first see it, the lighting, the angle, the energy of the people in the room - they all impact how I see something.

Seeing a piece I loved from a new angle lets me experience that joy in a whole new, and deeper, way. Each viewing adds a layer of understanding and complexity.

And when I don’t like a piece, this same process helps me see different layers. It often helps me soften my thoughts from “I really don’t like this” to understanding that I don’t hate the whole thing and that, all told, this piece just isn’t for me.

I also see this play out in our daily lives and spiritual journeys.

the met_native american_rattle

Holding on to thoughts

So often we see something we don’t like and we hold on to that thought like a rabid dog.

We close our minds to curiosity because holding on to that one thought feels easier than doing work to change it.

Just like when looking at a piece at the museum, it is much easier to see it from one angle than to move around the room, giving it the time, attention, and space that it deserves.

This is ESPECIALLY difficult if it is something we don’t like. If we don’t like something, we are not inclined to be curious and ask, “I wonder what this looks like from a different vantage point?”

When we see something from one vantage point we believe that one story because it is the only thought we have. The evil boss, the hateful spouse, or the unrewarding job all become more so over time because we have shut down and become completely disinterested in seeing it from other directions.

We’ll never understand the full picture

jean francois millet_the met

As humans, we’ll never understand the full nature of what’s in front of us. We simply aren’t built for it. And in that same vein, we’ll never understand fully what’s going on in our heads.

So we can… stop being curious about the triggers in front of us and continue to live in anger, disappointment, and frustration… or, we can stay open and curious and change positions to better see and understand the deeper complexities.

I’m simplifying, of course, but I know what it is like to hold on to negativity and hatred. And I know what it is like to open my mind, ask a few questions, and feel the release of it.

But ultimately, it is your choice. That artwork, that boss, that spouse - they are not going to change. Only you can change your position and question the thoughts and the stories you’ve built up around them.

What is triggering you? What do you continue to look at from one angle?


A lot of the work I do is about helping men see and understand their own role in their lives. If you’re looking for help in understanding your spiritual path through an erotic lens, send me a message and let’s talk.

Adam Nicholson