Discover what you want in the sacred pause

I ask myself a lot of questions and I am often checking in with my body for the answer. In particular, I am checking in with my gut and my heart.

Because I have A LOT more experience communicating with my head and my dick, they tend to answer first when I ask a question. And while I value and respect their opinions, I’ve learned through a lot of pain and suffering that their desires are not always in my best interest.

My head wants intellectual challenges and deep processing. It wants serious discussions and serious people with whom problems can be unpacked and solved.

(End result: a lot of cerebral talk and not too much fun or fulfillment.)

But my dick wants a hot ass that is not going to waste my time with specificity or follow up.

(End result: spending time with emotionally unavailable, hot guys.)

There’s a lot of incongruence there - and those are the two parts of my body that I can hear most clearly. Not that I don’t communicate with my gut or heart, but I don’t feel like it is a priority in my culture.

In a hyper-capitalist society, it doesn't make much sense to teach people to listen to their hearts or guts because the most likely outcome would be less consumption.

So now, when I ask myself a question, I do my best to pause and check-in to see more clearly where I’m at.

The sacred pause

One of my teachers, Corinne Diachuk (@cocoloveblossom) refers to this as the “Sacred Pause” and I love that.

I love it because when we pause long enough to witness our bodies and honor them with a response that reflects their desires… well, to me that is one of the most sacred acts we can do for ourselves.

adam with carrot

So I ask myself…

  • Do I want to eat this brownie? (see photo)

  • Do I want to go to this workshop?

  • Do I want to buy this jacket?

  • Do I want to allow this man to kiss me?

And then, the sacred pause. In that pause, I can check in with my head, heart, gut, and dick.

Of course, they are not going to be in complete alignment all of the time. For me, that is not the point.

What I hope to find is a general sense of agreement. But this is another sticky point for me because agreement can be really hard for me to recognize. It is much easier for me to feel into incongruence.

So, when I check-in, I look for that incongruence. Is one part of my body not in agreement? It usually stands out like a sore thumb and becomes pretty easy to recognize if I give it enough space in the sacred pause.

Finding incongruence

I’m grateful for my teacher Corinne for showing me how to find incongruence so easily. She asked me to partner with someone and say “no” to all of their requests - no matter what I actually felt.

So I paired up with an extremely beautiful, sensitive, muscled, bearded, & intelligent man and said “no” to his sexual advances.

He asked me, “Can I tie you up and f**k you?”

I froze. I knew that in this experiment I was supposed to say “no.” But all I could hear were the sirens coming out of my body screaming, “YES!”

So I took my sacred pause, I felt into my head, heart, gut, and dick. I felt the screams of “YES” coming through, and then I slowly mouthed the word, “no.”

Then I felt the incongruence in my body. I sat with it. I noticed what it felt like so I could remember it. I want to remember that feeling because it is the same incongruence that also shows up when I say “yes” to things I don’t actually want to do.

Practice saying “no”

Practice saying “no” to people and things you want, desire, or love. Go to the grocery store and say “no” to all of the foods you want and notice how it feels in your body.

Noticing the difference between your true desires and your words is helpful for the times when we actually do want to say “no” to someone’s requests. It’s also helpful for the times we might have conflict between our heads, hearts, guts, and genitals.

It is not easy, but I know that becoming more fluent in the language of my body has been incredibly helpful in how I navigate pleasure and suffering.